


the shadows kept me hidden from the light that calls my name

by goldengrahams



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Ball Eater shenanigans, Essek Week, Essek Week 2020, Gay Essek Thelyss, Gen, M/M, Prompt Fill, Scrying on your friends because you care, Secret Crush, Someone give Essek a hug please, argument, den politics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:28:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23373916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldengrahams/pseuds/goldengrahams
Summary: Prompt fills for Essek Week on Tumblr!!Definitely gonna be some Shadowgast here.Day 1: Shadows: Essek Thelyss has always chased shadows, but that gets lonely quickly. (500 words)Day 3: Spy: Jester scries on Essek and learns he has a brother, among other things. (2125 words)Day 4: Cupcake: Jester buys cupcakes for the Nein, and of course that includes Essek (1500 words)
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 48
Kudos: 214
Collections: Essek Week





	1. Day 1: Shadows (Choosing to Chase the Sun)

**Author's Note:**

> I probably won't do every day but I'm gonna try! 500-1000 word ficlets for each prompt. 
> 
> Title from "Crawling Towards the Sun" by The Hush Sound

Since Essek was a child, he always felt he was chasing the shadows of success. He was born into an illustrious den, expectations piled high and weighing down on his shoulders like the mantle he would one day don. He worked hard, fought for his position and the respect of his peers, and he still fell short. They thought him strange-- or a shut-in, perhaps. Intelligent, eloquent, charming, handsome, but not worth spending too much time around. He was an asset, never a companion.

Maybe that's why he risked it all for knowledge he couldn't get within the Dynasty. Maybe that's why he allied himself with people who didn’t care for him or his “kind”, who degraded him behind his back and to his face. It was worth it if he could learn more about these beacons. They weren’t relics of gods and he could prove it if he only had the resources. Unfortunately, the resources came from terrible people at a terrible price.

All that fighting tooth and nail for position and power and knowledge, only for it to come stumbling back to him bloody and die at his feet in the form of a few strange Empire mercenaries.

The god of his people, the one he never believed in. A relic held aloft in a human man’s hands. Shining, brilliant, casting away shadows. 

The Bright Queen, unbeknownst to her, offered him a boon by assigning him to this strange group. He studies them, allows himself to get a little close, but not too close. They crowd around him, pester him, use him for his spells. He’s annoyed, and of course he’s still using them too, but he finds he minds their antics and omnipresence less and less. 

Maybe he was never chasing the shadows of success-- for he has that already, doesn’t he? So why is he still not content,  why is he still so lonely ? Maybe all along, he was chasing the shadows of companionship, of being wanted for more than what he could bring to the table, of being wanted simply for being him. Shadows are hard to chase, though, he finds that out easily enough. Shadows are hard to chase, and impossible to catch.

The human man,  _ Caleb _ , who tore his life apart with calloused, soot-stained hands, becomes an ever-present ache in his skull. The thought of him becomes a soreness, a burst of pain behind his eyelids like staring at the sun too long. But  _ oh _ , the sun is beautiful.  _ He  _ is beautiful, though it makes Essek ache to admit that.

It’s foolish, he knows that. Dangerous, even. He stares at this human man, this fellow mage, with hair a halo of flame, with clever hands and a clever mouth. He covets sun-drenched skin, freckled and tanned and scarred, and wonders when he allowed himself to chase something other than the shadows he’s always known.

But  _ oh _ , he’s chased shadows so long, and it is lonely work.

He decides to chase the sun, instead.


	2. Day 3: Spy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jester scries on Essek and learns that he has a brother, plus some other secrets he's been hiding from them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I accidentally made Verin a dick, sorry.)
> 
> Also this ended up being way longer than it should have been and I chose to interpret the "Spy" thing weirdly. Oops.

It’s late at night on the Ball Eater, all of them sitting in a circle talking and laughing and drinking. The fight with the Dragon Turtle had been rough, but they had all made it out alive and that was cause for celebration. Caduceus is nursing a broken arm that was too shattered to be fully healed by magic, Caleb’s face is still a little bruised and Beau’s skin is tender with steam burns. They will sleep soon and allow themselves more time to rest and rejuvenate before finishing the healing process, but for now they pass around a bottle of whiskey Fjord found in the stocks that they’d forgotten about. It stings nicely as it goes down; Jester, Veth and Caduceus are enjoying a spicy tea instead, both gleeful at the other’s tipsy antics.

“Oh!” Jester says, clapping her hands together. “Do you think I should message Essek? Just to update him, let him know what happened and that we’re safe?” Beau groans quietly.

“Jess, you gotta stop doing this. He’s gonna do what he’s gonna do, checking in with him isn’t going to make him a good person.” Her words are a little slurred but there’s a touch of anger behind them and Jester frowns at her.

“Yeah, maybe, but neither is _ignoring_ him. He’s lonely and no one should ever be left lonely. You should know better than anyone, Beau.” Beau sours and turns away, but doesn’t respond, taking a long swig from the whiskey bottle.

“Jester, perhaps we shouldn’t,” Fjord says. “Last time you sent him a message this late he was asleep.”  
“Okay, okay. Good point, Fjord. Should I scry on him first, then?”

“If you have enough spells for it, _ja_. I don’t see why not.” Caleb takes the bottle from Beau and gingerly sips it. His eyes are smudged with exhaustion and the left side of his face is swollen purple with bruising. Yasha takes it from him a moment after with a gentle pat on his shoulder.

“That seems like a violation of his trust in us...” Caduceus says, but Beau interrupts him.

“Do it, either he’s sleeping or we get to see what some of those loose ends are.” Veth nods her agreement, sipping her tea with a glance over at Caleb.

Jester makes a face at both of them but prepares the scrying spell nonetheless, her holy symbol held loosely in her fist. 

\---

She feels the Traveller over her shoulder, a gentle presence with a teasing laugh.

“Let’s see what your friend is doing this time of night, yes?”

Her vision blurs and refocuses in what she recognizes to be Essek’s house, but not his bedroom. He is in his kitchen, the one they had sat in for breakfast many weeks ago when Essek, Caleb and Veth had finished the spell that returned Veth to her true form. 

Essek is sitting at his dining room table with a bottle of wine next to him and a glass of wine held carefully in one hand. For a moment she thinks he is drinking alone and then the focusing shifts and clarifies and she realizes he is sitting with another drow man, and the two of them are drinking wine and talking. The other drow is very handsome, with high cheekbones like Essek’s and pale gold eyes. His hair is very long, braided back, with a hint of an undercut on one side. He’s taller than Essek, and broader, handsome in a more brawny way where Essek is handsome in a sharp, angular way. She wonders idly if this is a boyfriend, or perhaps an ex-boyfriend. He had said he was single and she trusts he was telling the truth about that.

She’s butting in in the middle of the conversation, but it seems she’s catching near the beginning and she can fill in the gaps quite easily.

“What do you mean you’re _resigning_?” The other drow asks. Essek’s shoulders square and he turns his face away.

“Exactly what I said.” It’s strange to hear him put up the facade now after hearing him be so genuine for so long-- and she’s really just realizing now how genuine he is around them. The difference is obvious now that she has a frame of reference. “I’m resigning as Shadowhand. I have no use for the position anymore and I think my abilities would be better utilized elsewhere.” She takes a moment to be shocked before she relays this to the group as she continues the scry and there’s a tangible reaction to Essek’s resignation.

“Elsewhere, Essek? Elsewhere like galavanting around with those silly mercenaries from the Empire?” The other drow laughs, nearly spilling his wine. Jester frowns. That’s a little rude.

“Perhaps, if they’ll let me.” Essek sighs quietly and rubs his temples with one hand. He takes another sip of wine before continuing. “They are not _silly_ , Verin. They’re… kind, and very capable. I enjoy their company.” His face and the tips of his ears are flushed and as he takes another sip of wine Jester can see his ears pin back defensively.

“Mother is not going to be pleased.”

“I don’t give a _damn_ what Mother thinks.” The other drow, Verin, looks shocked.

Jester fits two and two together in her head and it suddenly makes sense-- the same handsome high cheekbones and golden eyes, the same lips, the same mannerisms. ‘Mother’, not ‘your mother’. This must be Essek’s brother. She tells the group as much and ignores their shocked responses.

“You _should_ give a damn what she thinks, she’s an Umavi.” Essek rolls his eyes and refills his wine with a snort that makes Verin flinch.

“ _Umavi_. I don’t care about den politics anymore, I just want to be free of all of it.”

“What’s gotten into you, Essek? You’ve gone completely off the rails since these mercenaries showed up in Rosohna. You’re acting so very unlike yourself. Mother is convinced you’re having a mental breakdown.” Essek laughs sarcastically, drinking his wine with a sardonic smile.

“Perhaps I am,” he says simply, “all I know is that I feel better than I have in a very long time, and resigning will seal the deal on that.”

“You worked hard for that job, Essek. You’re still on your first life and--” Essek laughs loudly and hysterically

“Mother _bought_ me that job and you know it!” Essek hisses, slamming his wine glass down onto the table with a loud noise. “I was told it was because of my prowess in Dunamancy, but the job barely even _uses_ Dunamancy. I can think of no other explanation, but it doesn’t _matter_ because I never wanted the job in the first place, Verin!” Verin laughs bitterly.

“You’re very selfish, you know that Essek?”

“Rich, coming from you.”

“I’m serious. Mother has given you everything a Denmother should, supported you in all your strange endeavors. You hold one of the most prestigious jobs in the Dynasty and you’re going to throw it all away for the first strange foreigners to spare you a passing glance.”

“For friends,” Essek corrects, gripping his wine glass so hard it looks like it might snap. “I am willfully giving it all up for _friends_. The first I’ve ever had.” Verin gives a small, smug grin that shows the points of his canines.

“You always were a bit of a shut-in. Your first friends, huh? Even you must know how sad that sounds, Essek.”

“Yes, I’m well aware.”

“Surely there’s more to it than that?” Jester can see Essek’s ears darken again. “Ah, so there is.”

“ _No_.” Essek hisses.

“Mother and I have a bit of a theory, let me throw it out for you.”

“Don’t, Verin.”

“We think you, cold and uninterested as you are, accidentally fell in love with one of those foreigners, and now you’re throwing your life away over it.”

“Stop.” Essek’s ears are pressed flat against his skull and he’s turned his face away, ashamed.

“I know you fancy men, but I can’t say I know much about your type, if you even have one.”

“ _Verin_ ,” Essek’s voice is a warning and Jester can see that his eyes look unnaturally bright.

“I don’t know much of the mercenaries, but I suppose I can still hazard a guess. The half-orc, perhaps? I’ve heard he has a nice way of speaking, and a decent build.” Essek doesn’t respond or react. “The firbolg doesn’t seem like your type, though I’m only saying that instinctively. The human then?” Essek’s ears twitch and he drains his wine glass.

“I don’t wish to discuss this further.”

“The human? Really Essek? The man who has you all throwing your life out the window is a human man from the Empire? I haven’t heard nice things about him, I’ll admit. I hear he’s scrawny and pale-- and notoriously dirty if the murmurings from the court ring true.” Essek coughs and pours himself more wine. It seems at this point he is drinking as an avoidance tactic.

“He cleans up well,” he mumbles, “and besides, it’s not just him. It’s all of them.”

“But you _are_ in love with him, yes?”

Essek does not answer.

“How _embarrassing_ ,” Verin giggles, and the scry fades out.

\---

“Jessie, what happened?” Beau asks, sitting forward on her heels. “You stopped describing the scry pretty soon after the whole ‘Essek has a brother’ reveal, is everything alright?” Jester blinks and swallows. 

“Yeah, yeah, everything is fine!” she says, flapping her hands a little. “It was just boring stuff, you know. Den politics or whatever. They talked a little about us, I think Essek might want to join us. I think that would be really cool.”

She considers what she had seen, unsure what to relay. Talking about that last part would be a violation of Essek’s privacy that she isn’t willing to breach. She and Beau and the others had teased about Essek and Caleb for a while now, but now that she knows-- now that she’s heard Essek say the words, it doesn’t seem as silly anymore. ‘How embarrassing’, Verin had said. What a rude thing to say. Jester doesn’t see what’s so embarrassing about Essek liking Caleb-- Caleb is handsome and smart and capable. They get along very well and they have similar interests… and now she knows at least one party is definitely interested. She looks over at Caleb, who is contemplating what she had revealed. He deserves nice things, she thinks.

“So should we message him?” Yasha asks. Jester thinks about it, curling a strand of hair around her finger.

“Yeah, I think I’ll message him tonight. That conversation didn’t seem to be going well and I think he could use a little reminder that we like him.” She clutches her holy symbol again, feeling the magic swirl in the recesses of her brain as she speaks out loud. “Hey Essek! I know it's late, just wanted to update you. We fought a big turtle thingy but we're safe. Caleb especially is safe. Travellercon--!” The spell runs out of time and she sighs. “Fjord, you’re supposed to count for me!”

“Why did you need to specify _I_ specifically was safe?” Caleb asks, face twisting in confusion. Jester shakes her head and holds a finger up as the spell beams back to her and Essek’s voice fills her mind. He sounds shaky and exhausted, almost like he’s been crying.

 _“Thank you, Jester. I am glad you are all safe, especially Caleb. I assume you intended to tell me Travellercon is still on.”_ There’s a pause, and then, slightly more choked. _“Thank you,”_ he repeats. She wishes she had another spell to use so that she could call him back and comfort him, but even if she did that would imply she knew what had happened.

“I’m never scrying on him again unless we absolutely have to,” Jester says. “That felt really… icky.”

“Well, at least now we know what one of those loose ends is. Think he’d really quit his job to join us?”

“He seemed pretty serious about it. Would you guys be willing to let him join if he did?”

“I’d have to think about it.” Beau says.

“I think he’d be a good addition,” Caleb says, scratching his chin. “He’s very… intelligent. Another powerful magic user on the team certainly couldn’t hurt.”

“I agree,” Jester says with a pointed grin. “I think he’d be a very good addition.”

She never does tell them the final portion of the scry-- it feels like something Essek deserves to keep secret. She’s not always good at secrets, but she’ll try for him. Trust is a funny thing, and she would guess this is something that it would be better to keep to herself.


	3. Day 4: Cupcake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jester buys cupcakes for the Nein, and of course that includes Essek.

The bakery is a smaller one in Rosohna, but Jester has come to learn that small bakeries can sometimes be the best ones. The owner is a squat goblin woman with thick black hair braided neatly back. The building is squat as well, made of brick painted a dark purple-blue and smattered with painted stars and planets. The sign out front noted the name as “Midnight Muffins” and Jester had stepped in not expecting much, but the inside was cozy and quaint and smelled _incredible_. The display cases are stuffed with dozens of flavors of cupcakes and glossy pastries in unique shapes and colors.

“Welcome,” the goblin woman greets squeakily as she enters, bowing. “Is there something I can help you with, young miss?”

“Oh, hello!!” Jester says, dipping into a small bow in response. “You have a very nice shop here!”

“Thank you so much! Been around a while. Is there something in particular you’re looking for?”

“Hmm, I’m looking for something for a friend but he’s not big on sweets, do you have any recommendations?”

“Oh, I have a few ideas! Come, come over here, look at the menu!”

She leaves a little while later with a box full of a dozen cupcakes in varying flavors and heads back to the Xhorhaus.

\---

The Nein is excited to see her enter with cupcakes. They’ve been out at sea for a while, that much is clear. She lays the box down on the dining room table and opens it.

“Why am I not surprised that the first thing you did was go out to get sweets?” Beau asks. Jester hands a cupcake to her and she bites into it without hesitating. “Fuck, Jessie, these are good. Find a new place?” She nods vigorously.

“A really cool little place run by a goblin lady! She was really nice, she helped me pick out some flavors for you guys! Fjord, try this one!” She points to a dark cupcake with golden-brown frosting sprinkled with salt. He raises an eyebrow and takes it. “And Caduceus, this one is for you.” She scoops up a green cupcake and hands it to him. He takes it and examines it. A deep brownish-red cupcake is handed to Veth, a chocolate cupcake with coconut and pecans and orange frosting to Caleb, and a pale golden cupcake with lilac frosting for Yasha. Jester lifts her own cinnamon-dusted cupcake from the box and bites into it. It’s delicious-- the frosting is creamy and the cupcake itself is a perfect texture. The cinnamon works perfectly with the frosting and it reminds her of pastries from Nicodranas. It’s perfect.

She finds, opening her eyes, that everyone has finished their cupcakes as well.

“Did I pick good flavors?” She asks, beaming brightly. They all tell her she did and thank her profusely, asking for specifics on their flavors before Veth asks about the remaining cupcakes.

“Four of them look like the same kind but this one is different. Is it for someone else?” She grins at Veth.

“Yes, I’m going to give it to Essek!” She shuts the box. The silence is palpable.

“He didn’t seem to like that other one you gave him--”

“Are you sure we should still be doing nice things--”

“Did he seem annoyed when you messaged him last night or--”

“I think that’s very nice of you,” Cad’s warm voice interrupts, slightly louder than usual. “I’m sure he’ll appreciate that.”

“I agree,” Caleb says softly. She beams at both of them and flounces off with the box.

\---

She arrives at Essek’s house a few minutes later and knocks gently on the door. There’s some shuffling from inside and then a feeling like someone is looking through her.

“Essek?” She asks. The door swings open.

“It’s just you?” he asks. She nods. He looks _exhausted_. She’s a little worried, really. He looks like he hasn’t rested at all since she messaged him, and if she had to guess, he seems a bit hungover. She makes no comment on it as he ushers her inside. “I apologize, I must look terrible. I fear I might have worried you with my response the other day.”

“No, no, it’s fine, Essek. I know things are a little crazy right now.” He laughs softly. 

“You have no idea.” A furrow forms between his eyebrows. He’s not floating. He’s just the tiniest bit shorter than her, she realizes, and without his mantle he looks so small and sad.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She sees the conflict on his face for a moment.

“I suppose it couldn’t hurt.”

“Do you want to sit first? I brought you a gift.” He seems to notice the box now, and he blinks in surprise.

“I was supposed to get _you_ pastries,” he says with a small, embarrassed chuckle.

“I know, but you sounded like you needed a friend the other day. I thought you’d appreciate it. Besides, you have a long time to get me pastries.”

“I hope so.” He sits down at the dinner table and she sits across from him. “Oh, I should have asked. Do you want some tea or… coffee? Water?”

“I’m alright! I want to make sure you’re doing okay.”

“I am…” he sighs, rubbing his face with his hands. “I am oddly better than I have been in a long time. I resigned as Shadowhand this morning.” She feigns surprise. Well, it’s still a bit of a surprise that he did go through with it.

“Did you really? I think that’s a step in the right direction.”

“You are not going to ask me why?”

“Are you happier for having done it?”

“...Yes.”

“Then you don’t have to justify it to me.” She beams, reaching across the table to take his hand. “What are you going to do now?” He sighs, a small smile unfurling across his face. He looks relieved and she can see the proverbial weight lifted from his shoulders.

“I haven’t decided. I’ll likely spend a little time conducting my own research and then…” he trails off. _‘Perhaps, if they’ll let me.They are not silly, Verin. They’re… kind, and very capable. I enjoy their company.’_

“You could join us!” she suggests, “I think that would definitely put you in the right direction of doing good!” He blinks in surprise. 

“Jester, I don’t know if--”

“Open the cupcake box, Essek.” She says suddenly. He blinks again, flustered, and does as he’s told. “I bought twelve cupcakes this morning, four blueberry and eight of different flavors, one for each member of the Mighty Nein.”

“Eigh--” he begins, and then it dawns on him.

“As far as I’m concerned, you’re one of us. I think you’ll like this cupcake too, the shop owner said it wasn’t too sweet.” He lifts it gingerly out of the box, cradling it in his hands like it’s something precious. “I’m not sure how accurate the recipe is or where she got it from but that one’s called…” she trails off, stifling her smile behind her hand as he takes a bite. “That one’s called Zemnian Chocolate.” He chokes a little and she rushes to elaborate. “That was a little joke. It doesn’t mean anything if you don’t want it to mean anything, just know that I think you and Caleb would work very well together.” He flushes and his ears pin back like that night.

“Am I that obvious?”

“No, I’m just perceptive. Also I uh…” she sighs. “I may have scryed on you that night before my last message. I’m really sorry and I promise I won’t do it again. I assumed you’d be sleeping and I didn’t want to wake you up again.” Essek’s face goes through a range of emotions before settling on acceptance.

“I guess that’s only fair, I did scry on you all for a while even if it was under orders... How did you enjoy Verin?”

“Oh my gods, Essek, he’s such a dick!” Essek startles into a laugh.

“That he is. He’s my baby brother and he is the most annoying little people-pleaser. It’s like the boy doesn’t have a single opinion of his own, it’s infuriating.” He takes a bite of the cupcake. “This is lovely, by the way. She was right, it’s not too sweet.” Jester smiles and claps her hands together.

“Oh, I hoped you would like it! So... do you want to talk about Caleb or…?” He winces.

“Not particularly. Perhaps one day, but not right now.”

“That’s totally fine! Take your time, just know that I’m here if you want someone to talk to who isn’t your asshole brother.” He smiles, a small but genuine smile.

“Thank you, Jester. For the cupcake… and for talking to me.”

“Of course!” she says, “I know what it’s like to be lonely and I don’t think anyone deserves that, least of all you.” He blinks, and maybe she’s seeing things, but she swears there are tears beginning to form in his eyes. She leans across the table to hug him and he accepts it happily, his arms curling around her a little awkwardly, but with the intention of reciprocating a hug.

"One of you," he murmurs. He sounds like a man barely daring to hope. She hopes one day he'll be able to say that with confidence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the flavors Jester picked for everyone, in case you were wondering:  
> Beau - French Toast and bacon  
> Caleb - Zemnian Chocolate Cupcake with Fireball cinnamon frosting  
> Veth - Vanilla Bourbon and toffee  
> Fjord - Coffee and Sea-Salt Caramel  
> Caduceus - Matcha and Honey  
> Yasha - Lavender Earl Grey  
> Jester: Cinnamon Bun  
> Essek: Zemnian Chocolate


End file.
